Dearest Zachary,
Seriously, enough is enough. I don't know what's keeping you, but you need to know you are causing quite a row; we're all on edge here, waiting for your arrival. I know this is a bit much to put on a baby, but you should probably get used to the guilt trip now, while you're young.
Perhaps you have some misgivings about the birth process? I can understand that; it's probably very comfy and cozy where you're at and you don't want to retire such agreeable circumstances. But I'm telling you, you need to move toward the light, Zach (can I call you Zach?) because where that light is coming from, well there's something called love. Okay, so you've got a little bit of a trip ahead of you; there's that, for lack of a better word, tunnel, and it can be tight, but it is really not very long at all, maybe only a few inches and you'll have plenty of lubricant. Listen Zach, everybody does it. So you squeeze through this mini tunnel into the light, yes, you got it and do you know what's going to be waiting for you on the other side? No, not a slap; they don't do that anymore. Your mother's face and your father's face will be waiting for you. They are your parents, Zach, and they're actually pretty good looking, so you're lucky. No really what I'm telling you is this is the beginning of your life! And a life really isn't so bad, no matter what the papers tell you. Okay, so the economy is still in the shitter, and Iran is close to creating nuclear weaponry, and sadly, the Republicans control the House, but don't worry about this stuff! You're just a baby and babies have the easiest lives on the planet! Really, I wouldn't kid you.
First of all, you get this really cool room all to yourself. It's called a nursery and there are duckies and froggies and boats and other interesting things to gaze upon. Doesn't that sound better than the blood vessels you've cozying up to for the past nine months? Jesus, Zach, there cuddlier things out there than long, spindly blood vessels. And then of course, your mom and dad; I promise you, when you are in their arms, everything is right with the world.
Well, almost everything.
No, but seriously Zach, you've got to get the ball rolling or your grandmother is going to lose her mind. You don't want this to happen; grandmothers are important and it's crucial they keep their sanity so they can give you every little thing your heart desires. They make your small, burgeoning world that much better. You want that little doggie in the window? He's yours. You want that bunny or lamby friend; take 'em. Grandmothers, at your age, are the answer to everything.
I know, Zach. Your Auntie Laurette can relate: she's a Capricorn too. We are somewhat averse to change. We are stubborn. We are wary of wild schemes and go-nowhere jobs. But you can't fight the inevitable; you've got to take the bull by the horns (or the goat, for that matter). I, for one, did not exactly do this during my “coming out” process and my head was a bruised melon from the forceps digging into my skull. Don't let this happen to you! I was afraid, Zach, or at least this is what the shrinks tell me (that and I should get myself to the nearest immersion tank and have another go to resolve some issues).
Listen, Zachary, all kidding aside, if you don't get moving, I'm going to call upon your grandfather to give you a good ol' metaphysical boot in the ass. I have that kind of pull with those in high places, if you know what I mean. So move toward the light, Zachary. Please, please do it soon. For your mother's sake.
Love,
Auntie Laurette
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